Week 3: Gibbs Drops a 41 Piece and Dot Loses by a Fingernail
Not all dogs go 2 heaven stays perfect, a 0.7-point heartbreaker opens the week, and bench points were flying everywhere you looked.
Week 3 in No Drug Test Required, and holy hell were there some bad lineup decisions. Let's get into it.
Dot Fuck em' Up 124.62 vs All-Balls-No-Dick 125.32
Seven tenths of a point. SEVEN TENTHS. Dot got 25.6 from Jacoby Brissett, 22.22 from Kirk Cousins, and 20.6 from Jaylen Warren and still walked away 0-3. And of course Roman Wilson sat on the bench with 15 and Brian Robinson with 11, either of which turns this whole thing around. That's the kind of loss you think about in the shower for a week. All-Balls gets Geno Smith for 26.04, rookie Jeremiyah Love chipping in 21.9, Trevor Lawrence with 19.78, and honestly he had his own bench problems — Jakobi Meyers went for 19.4 in street clothes with Pat Bryant right behind at 14.4. Nobody managed this matchup well. Somebody still had to win it.
Yourmomshouse 104.92 vs EYE EYE CAPTAIN 151.06
Not much of a fight here. Drake London put up 28.4, Kyren Williams added 21.8, and Lamar Jackson did Lamar things with 20.44 — that'll beat a 104 point week every single time. Yourmomshouse got a fine day from Kenneth Walker (21.3) and Chris Olave (19.7), but Josh Allen at 17.46 isn't carrying anybody, and Kalif Raymond scored 21 from the bench with Tre' Harris sitting on 13.6 next to him. That's a winning lineup he just... didn't submit. EYE EYE had Deebo Samuel (15.4) and Bryce Young (13.64) benched too, which tells you how much cushion he had.
Hawk Tua 177.36 vs To Infinity And Bijan 157.66
Best game of the week and it wasn't especially close at the end. Bijan Robinson went for 35.3 and Brock Purdy hung 31.28 — that's a 66-point head start from two guys — and it still wasn't enough, because Hawk Tua just kept feeding tight ends. Brock Bowers 27.6, Juwan Johnson 23.3, and Ja'Marr Chase doing the thing at 24.8. The gut punch: Michael Wilson dropped 25.9 on the bench and Harold Fannin 24.1, so this could have been an absolute massacre. Bijan's side left Kenyon Sadiq (23.5) and Aaron Rodgers (22.68) out of it, which is roughly the margin. Ouch.
Pupusa pounders 171.12 vs Diddyskids 134.24
Jaxon Smith-Njigba put up 35.36, the highest wideout total on the slate, and Diddyskids lost by 37. That's just cruel. Tyler Shough was solid at 23.8, Cam Skattebo managed 13, and after that the well ran dry — Keenan Allen's 18.3 and AJ Barner's 11.9 stayed parked. Meanwhile Pupusa got 27.66 from Sam Darnold, 26.7 from Garrett Wilson, and a vintage 21.9 from Derrick Henry. Funny enough he had Bo Nix (24.14) and Marcus Mariota (20.42) on the bench, which is an absurd amount of unused quarterback. Rich get richer.
Not all dogs go 2 heaven 201.98 vs VaginaKiller 157.98
Jahmyr Gibbs scored 41.4 points. Forty-one. George Kittle added 26.2, Tee Higgins 21, and that's your 3-0 team and league scoring leader looking every bit the part. VaginaKiller actually put up 157.98, which wins most weeks in most leagues — Stafford 20.9, Luther Burden 19.8, James Cook 19.4 — and got run off the field anyway. Tyler Higbee (20.2) and Wan'Dale Robinson (18.7) watching from the bench doesn't close a 44-point gap, but it stings. And the dogs left Deshaun Watson (20.26) and Terry McLaurin (19.7) out and still cracked 200. That's not fair.
Transactions
No blockbusters to break down this week — the wire did most of the talking. Dot Fuck em' Up was the busiest man in the league with three free agent adds and a hand in all four trades, swinging deals with Yourmomshouse (twice), VaginaKiller, and Hawk Tua. When you're 0-3 you start pushing buttons, and he's pushing all of them. Not all dogs go 2 heaven made a couple of quiet adds because of course the best team is also the most active. To Infinity And Bijan took a waiver claim for nothing out of pocket. Everybody else, light work.
Season Outlook
Everybody's trend reads steady, which is polite for "three weeks isn't much," but the gaps are already real. Not all dogs go 2 heaven is basically a lock at 99.5% to make the playoffs with a league-best 38.1% title shot. EYE EYE CAPTAIN sits at 97.5% and 22.5%, To Infinity And Bijan at 96% and 15.5%. Yourmomshouse is 1-2 but the model still loves him at 86.8%, so don't bury him. Hawk Tua (79.2%) and Diddyskids (70.1%) are comfortably in the conversation, Pupusa pounders a shakier 57.9%.
The bottom is where it gets grim. VaginaKiller is down to 9.7%, All-Balls-No-Dick 2.7%, and Dot Fuck em' Up at 0.6% with a championship number so small it's basically a rounding error. Long season, sure. But those hills get steeper every Sunday.
Happy Tuesday boys.