Week 1: Dogs Don't Go to Heaven, They Go 200
A six-point thriller, a 33-point bench disaster, and a trade market that looks like Dot Fuck em' Up is buying the whole league — welcome back, boys.
Week 1 of No Drug Test Required is in the books and holy hell did y'all come out swinging. Let's get to this shit.
Not all dogs go 2 heaven 200.46 vs Yourmomshouse 194.48
Matchup of the week and it was the first one on the board. Caleb Williams 37.26, Jahmyr Gibbs 33.6, Ashton Jeanty 32.7 — that's three starters over 30 and a 200-piece to open the season. Yourmomshouse did everything right too, Josh Allen with 35.66, Kenneth Walker 34.1, Justin Jefferson 31.2, and still lost by six. The kicker? Both benches were loaded. Dogs left Tyler Shough (23.2) AND Patrick Mahomes (21.66) sitting, which is a hell of a way to win. Yourmomshouse had Devaughn Vele at 19.9 and Jayden Daniels at 17.66 riding pine, and either one probably flips this game. Brutal.
Diddyskids 171.04 vs All-Balls-No-Dick 117.6
Isaiah Likely with 27.8 from the tight end spot is basically cheating, and Jaxson Dart (26.6) plus JSN (26.2) sealed it. All-Balls got a nice 26.1 from Trevor Lawrence and 23.7 from Chuba Hubbard, but Jeremiyah Love's 13 was the third-best starter and that tells the story. Denzel Boston (13.9) and T.J. Hockenson (13.6) both outscored him from the bench. Not a fun film session.
Hawk Tua 160.38 vs VaginaKiller 108.68
Christian Watson 32.7, Jonathan Taylor 25.1, Javonte Williams 24.2 — Hawk Tua didn't even need the bench, which is good because David Montgomery (28.9) and DJ Moore (21) were sitting there doing nothing. VaginaKiller's best starter was Jordan Love at 19.48 while Jalen Coker dropped 33.8 on the bench. That's not a bench miss, that's a crime scene.
Bijan Hater 195.88 vs Dot Fuck em' Up 103.88
Amon-Ra 28.7, Lamar 24.96, Hurts 24.72, and Bryce Young put up 31.44 from the bench just to rub it in. Dot's top guy was Mike Evans at 16.9. Rough open.
To Infinity And Bijan 144.66 vs Pupusa pounders 130.08
Bijan Robinson (31.3) on the team named after him, plus Zay Flowers 26 and Purdy 21.1. Derrick Henry went for 35.3 and Trey McBride 24.5 for Pupusa and it still wasn't enough.
The Trade Desk
Dot Fuck em' Up has apparently decided the future is now — or maybe never. Blockbusters everywhere: Omarion Hampton and Marvin Harrison moving with Bijan Hater along with 2027 and 2028 firsts and 2029 picks; Jaxon Smith-Njigba and Matthew Golden headlining a monster with Diddyskids that included a pile of 2027 seconds plus 2028 and 2029 firsts; and Chris Olave and Rashee Rice changing hands with VaginaKiller alongside three 2027 first-rounders. That is a staggering amount of rookie draft capital flying around in week one.
Elsewhere, Yourmomshouse and Bijan Hater swapped Drake Maye and Nico Collins in a blockbuster with 2027 through 2029 picks attached, and Yourmomshouse landed Brock Bowers and Justin Jefferson in a deal with Hawk Tua — and Jefferson promptly dropped 31.2. That one aged well fast. Yourmomshouse and VaginaKiller also moved James Cook and Chris Olave with a 2027 first involved.
Notable stuff too: Tetairoa McMillan and Javonte Williams both moved to/from Dot for 2027 firsts, Cam Skattebo and Riley Leonard went between All-Balls and Diddyskids for a bundle of 2026 firsts, and Baker Mayfield/Jacoby Brissett plus Jordan Love/Daniel Jones changed hands in QB shuffling. On the waiver side, Dot dropped 210 FAAB on somebody and has been clicking the add button like it owes him money.
Season Outlook
Everybody's trending steady after one week, which is the model politely saying "calm down." Bijan Hater leads the pack at 96.5% to make the playoffs and a league-best 29.7% title shot, with Not all dogs go 2 heaven right behind at 95% and 24.1%. Yourmomshouse (87.5%) and To Infinity And Bijan (83.7%) are comfortably in the mix despite one of them already taking an L. Hawk Tua and Diddyskids both sit right around 79%.
The bottom is where it gets grim. Pupusa pounders at 45.3% is the bubble team. All-Balls-No-Dick (15%), VaginaKiller (9.7%) and Dot Fuck em' Up (8.5%, with a 0.08% title number) are already staring at a long year — though Dot at least has a mountain of picks to show for it.
Happy Tuesday boys.