State of the League: Hawk Tua Wears the Crown, Dot Fuck em' Up Wears the Phone Out
A champion who scored the least of the contenders, a winless disaster, a rookie draft owned by the rebuilders, and one manager who traded with damn near everybody — here's your 2026 offseason in full.
Well boys, the offseason is over, the rosters are set, and I've got a spreadsheet full of trades that made my eyes cross. This is the big one — everything that happened between the confetti and kickoff. Let's get into it.
Last Season, In The Rearview
Your 2025 champion: Hawk Tua, 11-3, 2503.74 points. Not the most points, not even close, but they hoisted the thing and that's the only stat that goes on the wall. Congrats, you got the belt.
Now here's the part that has to sting. Not all dogs go 2 heaven finished 11-3 with 2782.8 points — the most in the entire league by a country mile — and walked away as the runner-up. Most points scored, no title. That's fantasy football in a nutshell, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little funny. 2024 Reskins with RG3 grabbed third at 9-5, and then we get to the cruelest line in the whole standings: Yourmomshouse went 11-3 — same record as the champ — finished 4th and didn't get a playoff result to show for it. Eleven wins and nothing to hold. Brutal.
Dot Fuck em' Up put up 2525.02 points, more than the champion did, and landed 5th. Pupusa pounders were the definition of mid at 7-7 in 6th. DragginU-Dwn also went 7-7 but finished 10th, which tells you everything about how the points shook out over there — 2163.82 will do that.
And then the basement. Barry McCockiner went 0-14. Fourteen games, zero wins, 1668.4 points. That is a full season of getting punched in the mouth every single Sunday and I salute the man for still logging in. Diddyskids at least got one, going 1-13, and All-Balls-No-Dick went 4-10. Those three combined for five wins on the year. Rough.
The Rookie Draft
It goes without saying: the bad teams ate.
All-Balls-No-Dick got the 1.01 and took Jeremiyah Love, RB out of Notre Dame — the exact kind of pick you take when you're 4-10 and need a cornerstone. They followed it up with Omar Cooper (WR, Indiana) at 1.09 and Denzel Boston (WR, Washington) at 2.11. Three swings, all young, all theirs.
But the real story is Diddyskids, who apparently decided one win was worth it. They took Carnell Tate (WR, Ohio State) at 1.02 AND Jordyn Tyson (WR, Arizona State) at 1.03 back to back, then came back at 1.06 for Jadarian Price (RB, Notre Dame). Then in the second round they just kept going: Ty Simpson (QB, Alabama), Germie Bernard (WR, Alabama), Zachariah Branch (WR, Georgia), and Nicholas Singleton (RB, Penn State). Seven notable picks. Seven. If that class hits even halfway, the 1-13 season was the best thing that ever happened to them.
Elsewhere up top: To Infinity And Bijan took Fernando Mendoza (QB, Indiana) at 1.04 and doubled back for Eli Stowers (TE, Vanderbilt) at 1.10 and Chris Bell (WR, Louisville) in the second. Pupusa pounders grabbed Makai Lemon (WR, USC) at 1.05 and Jonah Coleman (RB, Washington) at 2.15. VaginaKiller took KC Concepcion (WR, Texas A&M) at 1.07. Dot Fuck em' Up landed the top tight end off the board in Kenyon Sadiq (Oregon) at 1.08 and added Malachi Fields (WR, Notre Dame). Bijan Hater went QB with Carson Beck (Miami) at 2.13, and your champion Hawk Tua snagged Elijah Sarratt (WR, Indiana).
After that, Dot Fuck em' Up just started hoarding — Cade Klubnik, Drew Allar, Garrett Nussmeier, plus a pile of depth in Ja'Kobi Lane, Emmett Johnson, Skyler Bell, Max Klare and more. Whatever the opposite of a rebuild is, they were also doing that. Somehow.
The Trades
Seventeen trades. Dot Fuck em' Up was involved in eleven of them. Man never put the phone down.
The blockbusters first. Yourmomshouse and Hawk Tua swapped Brock Bowers and Justin Jefferson along with a 2026 2nd and a 2027 4th — two elite pieces changing hands between a champion and the team that won 11 and got nothing. Then Yourmomshouse and Bijan Hater went nuclear on Drake Maye and Nico Collins, with a 2029 2nd, a 2027 4th, a 2028 3rd and a 2028 4th attached. Yourmomshouse also pulled James Cook and Chris Olave into a blockbuster with VaginaKiller involving a 2028 3rd and a 2027 1st. That's a team that clearly decided 4th place with 11 wins was unacceptable.
Dot Fuck em' Up's blockbusters were the loudest. Jaxon Smith-Njigba and Matthew Golden headlined a monster with Diddyskids that involved six picks — 2027 2nds (three of them), a 2027 3rd, a 2028 1st and a 2029 1st. Then Chris Olave and Rashee Rice headlined another blockbuster with VaginaKiller built on three 2027 1sts and a 2027 2nd. If you're wondering where Diddyskids' pick stash came from, now you know.
The notable moves stacked up too. Dot Fuck em' Up and Diddyskids ran it back on Jordan Love / Daniel Jones (2026 1st, two 2026 3rds) and Baker Mayfield / Jacoby Brissett (another 2026 1st). Dot Fuck em' Up sent a 2027 1st to Hawk Tua for Javonte Williams, gave To Infinity And Bijan a 2027 1st and 2028 2nd for Tetairoa McMillan, and moved DeVonta Smith and Davante Adams with To Infinity And Bijan on a 2027 1st, 2027 2nd and 2028 3rd. All-Balls-No-Dick and Diddyskids got in on it too, with Cam Skattebo and Riley Leonard headlining a deal that included three 2026 1sts.
Read the room: Dot Fuck em' Up went all-in and mortgaged 2027 through 2029 to do it. Diddyskids and All-Balls-No-Dick are sitting on picks like it's a bunker. Yourmomshouse retooled hard around Maye, Collins, Cook and Bowers. And the champion? Hawk Tua kept trading, which is either confidence or arrogance and we'll find out which.
Looking Ahead
So here we are. The champ has a target on his back, the guy with the most points has a chip on his shoulder, Barry McCockiner has nowhere to go but up (literally, mathematically), and one manager has spent every future pick he owns trying to win right now. Windows are open, windows are closing, and somebody's about to get real embarrassed.
Let's play some football. Happy Tuesday boys.