Week 2: JSN Goes Nuclear, Good Goy Benches the Wrong Quarterback

Another week of football, another recap for the boys. Three teams still undefeated, three teams still winless, and at least one manager who's going to be sick about his lineup all week. Let's go.

2 Tight Ends and a Chaser 127.08, Captain Insano 108.78

Brock Purdy with 28.48 and Ja'Marr Chase doing Ja'Marr Chase things at 26.5, plus Trey McBride chipping in 18.1 — that's a tidy little three-headed win right there. Captain Insano actually got the best QB day in the matchup, Mahomes at 28.98, but after that it thinned out quick. Kyren Williams got to 15.7 and the defense threw in 17 and that was basically the party. Worth noting the Chaser had Bhayshul Tuten sitting on the bench for 14.2 and Malik Willis for another 12.48 — didn't cost him, but don't make a habit of that.

Toast 148.28, G.E.T.S.O.M.E 117.78

Jaxon Smith-Njigba put up 42.5 points. Forty-two and a half. That's not a wide receiver performance, that's a whole starting lineup for some of you. Kenneth Walker added 23.8 and Derrick Henry a casual 17.7, and Toast rolls to 2-0 as the top scorer in the league. G.E.T.S.O.M.E didn't play badly either — Goff 29.78, Dalton Kincaid 22.5, Omarion Hampton 17.5 — they just ran into the buzzsaw. Rachaad White (14.3) and Bo Nix (14.12) watched from the bench. 0-2 with that kind of output is rough luck.

Good Goy 102.34, TOUCHofDOWN syndrome 83.76

Ugly on both sides, and Good Goy takes it anyway. CeeDee Lamb went for 35.3 and carried this thing basically by himself since Jayden Daniels only mustered 14.74. Here's the kicker though — Matthew Stafford dropped 26.98 ON THE BENCH. You started the wrong quarterback and won anyway, congrats. Denzel Boston's 20.5 was back there too. TOUCHofDOWN syndrome, meanwhile, topped out at Christian Watson's 14.1, which tells you everything, while Tyler Shough (22.38) and Jaylen Waddle (21.8) rode pine. That's a loss you get to think about.

ShowMeYourButthole 123.86, Clown 116.32

Best game of the week, honestly. Josh Allen went absolutely supernova for Clown with 40.82 and CMC added 22.6 — and it still wasn't enough. Amon-Ra St. Brown's 35.2 and Travis Kelce waking up for 25.1 got Butthole home, with Hurts adding a modest 16.16. Clown is 0-2 despite 226 points on the season. Somebody light a candle.

CJ sucks ass 129.6, Deep State Sleepers 74.32

Just a beating. DeVonta Smith 27.7, the Patriots defense 23, Chris Olave 22.6 — balanced, mean, done by Sunday afternoon. And CJ still had George Kittle's 18 on the bench. Deep State got 29.2 from Jonathan Taylor and then absolutely nothing; Caleb Williams managed 7.72 while Lamar Jackson sat there with 14.8. 74 points won't beat anybody, and 158 on the year is last place by a country mile.

Adolf & Friends 143.96, Yng Catch 82.3

Davante Adams with 39.5 and Dak with 29.76, plus Gibbs at 23.3 — that's a complete week, and it moves Adolf & Friends to 2-0 with a rank jump from 5th to 3rd. He even had Stefon Diggs putting up 21.7 in street clothes, so to speak. Yng Catch's leading scorer was the Vikings defense at 19, which is never the sentence you want written about you. Joe Burrow (16.18) and TreVeyon Henderson (13.6) on the bench didn't help.

Transactions

No trades this week — nobody's pulled the trigger yet, so the trade block stays quiet. Plenty of churn otherwise, though. Captain Insano was the most aggressive on waivers with three claims, and Good Goy matched him for total moves across waivers and free agency. Yng Catch made five moves total, which after scoring 82 feels less like strategy and more like a cry for help. Toast, CJ sucks ass, 2 Tight Ends and a Chaser, Clown, Deep State Sleepers and TOUCHofDOWN syndrome all dipped into the pool too.

Season Outlook

Everything's steady at the top, which is a nice way of saying the models already believe in Toast. A 92.3% playoff shot and 26.7% to win the whole thing — nobody else is close. Adolf & Friends sits at 82% to make it with a 16% title number, and ShowMeYourButthole is right there at 79.2% and 13.8%. After that it's a muddle: 2 Tight Ends and a Chaser (62.4%), Captain Insano (58.4%), CJ sucks ass (50.3%) and TOUCHofDOWN syndrome (46.8%) are all basically coin flips for the back half of the bracket.

The bad news club: Deep State Sleepers at 9.9% and G.E.T.S.O.M.E at 17.6% are already staring down a long autumn. Clown at 33.4% is the weird one — 0-2 but scoring like a playoff team, so there's a path if the schedule ever stops mugging him. It's week 2, nothing's decided, but the ground is starting to slope.

Happy Tuesday boys.